The Fear in Mommin’
It ain’t for the faint of heart…
Being a mom is by far the most rewarding thing that I have ever experienced, but, I am going to be real here…really real…..it is hard AF. No one prepares you for the “REAL” stuff. When you are pregnant you get the fluff and the funny stories and of course the unsolicited advice- but never the raw, real deal. What do I mean? I mean the emotional stuff, the challenging stuff, the stuff that moves you at the core and basically- the stuff no one wants to talk about.
I have 4 children. The loves of my life. But damn, they are work.
When my first was born I had no idea what I was doing. I have 2 younger sisters and was a nanny in college. I HAD previous baby/kid experience but actually being a mom…I had no clue what that entailed. I thought ‘you just have to keep this little person alive’. Feed her, keep her clean, love on her and she will be good. WHY did no one tell me that I would fall so deeply in love with her that it would hurt? That her cry would literally send me into a panic because all I wanted to do was make her happy. That as I stared at her while she slept tears would just stroll down my face without warning. That every milestone would make me so happy but extremely sad at the same time.
All of this before she was a month old. WTF?!?! I was not prepared for this. The emotional toll we take as mothers is something that no one ever told me about.
Add in a second child….a colicky angel faced little boy. Colic-whoa. No one could have prepped me for this. The extreme lack of sleep. The constant, inconsolable crying. The wedge this would drive in my marriage.
WHY didn’t anyone tell me that a second child would add a layer of fear to my everyday life? Fear that I was leaving my #1 girl out? Fear that because I was so deeply in love with my sweet boy that my daughter would resent me? Fear that because I was so into my children that my husband would feel neglected? No one told me about the paralyzing fear that comes with this stage of motherhood.
The problem with this fear in Motherhood is: you just can’t be afraid. There is no time for that. The kids can’t see that. Mothering is an extreme sport.
Every experience is unique, yet the same. The same in the sense that we all go through the ups and downs. The amazing and the daunting. The wonderful and dreadful. All in our own way. Let’s be real, mothering is not suitable for people who like only safe and familiar things. There is nothing safe and familiar about this journey we call motherhood.
I have been pushed to my limits, as I am sure every other mother out there has….tested daily…..exposed to extreme conditions. I have experienced some super high highs and the most awful of lows. Trust me, there is nothing safe about this!
I became so wrapped up in being a Mother that I let fear take the wheel…
…and that ultimately led to my husband being left out. I neglected him. No one told me that I had to put him first. And frankly, if they did, I probably would have told them to F off…my kids were first. They were my #1…it was my duty to take care of them and keep them safe.
But why was I taking on this responsibility by myself? Why didn’t I feel that he needed to share in this? I pushed him away and no one told me that I would have to put my marriage first and that I would have to work on being a wife before being a Mother. So, you can imagine, our split hit me like a brick wall at 100 mph. How is it that I had 2 copies of “What to expect when expecting” and nothing about “Marriage after kids” or “What to expect once you have kids” or “How to be wife and mother”?!?!?
It wasn’t until after our split that someone said to me, “If your husband and your kids were drowning-who would you save first?”…obviously to which I replied, “The kids”…..WRONG. You save him and he will help you save them. Same scenario but this time on a plane….”Who would you give the oxygen mask to?”
Has anyone else had similar situations presented to them? What did you do to help and fix your marriage?
Unfortunately for me, it is too late. I had to learn how to be a single parent until I found love again. Now I’m remarried with 2 more children. No one can ever prepare you for what that experience is like. I have learned that we cannot lack courage or spirit…there literally is no room for it.
Through all of this I have learned that Mommin’ aint for the faint of heart.
To be continued…
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