Mold of a Nervous Mom
When I was a kid my mom read a lot of non-fiction crime and murder mystery books. Every now and then she would tell my brothers and I about the story and how we need to always be careful when we were not with her. As I got older I used to think she was over protective because of reading those books. All of my friends were allowed to do or wear certain things that I couldn’t. Like your typical teen I always found it unfair. Plus I had two younger brothers who seemed to get away with a lot more. I was also naïve.
Whenever I did hear a tragic story on the news or my mom filled me in on one of her books I always thought that would never happen to us. I felt our family was invincible. We had God on our side and a Grandma who prayed more than the pope. I remember watching TV shows or movies with parents who received “the call” in the middle of the night with terrible news about their child. Again, I thought how terrible for their family. Thank god that would never happen to us. Until it did…
It was September 24th 2006, 2 Am. My cellphone rang, it was my stepmother telling me my brother Rob was stabbed and was sent to the emergency room. My father was on his way to pick up my mother and I. I remember it all too well. My father running every red light slamming on the steering wheel terrified of what we were about find out and my mother crying non stop.
I thought to myself, it’s his leg, whoever did this stabbed him in the leg, and he’s going to be fine. I never EVER thought we would hear the worst news of our lives. My brother Ricky was waiting for us at the hospital, they wouldn’t tell him anything until we got there. I guess I should’ve known at that point. The doctor took us into a room, looked at us, pointed to his heart and said, “He was stabbed right here.” And shook his head no.
At that moment that life was over. It will always be referred to as “Before Rob.” My beliefs were immediately erased. There no longer was a God to me. He wouldn’t let this happen if there was.
Fast-forward a year and a half (March 2008). Four months before our wedding I found out I was pregnant. That’s when the fear set in. We are no longer invincible. Bad things can happen to the people I love most in this world. I was terrified something was going to happen to my baby. Besides following all of the pregnancy books and listening to the doctors all I had left was prayer. That’s when I started to pray again, and I haven’t stopped since. But the fear will last forever.
After Aiden was born I checked on him every hour, making sure he was breathing. I didn’t leave him until he was 3 months old. I never let him out of my sight. I thought no one could protect him as well as me, except for Shawn. He’s the only one I felt completely safe with. He slept in our bed until he was 5. There were plenty of nights where he fell asleep in his own bed and I would make Shawn get him while he was sleeping and bring him in ours. I feared a stranger was going to climb through his locked bedroom window and take him away. During the day I was fine but at night, I was terrified, and I needed to have all of us together and safe.
Now having three of them, the fear sometimes is all I think about. I look at some parents and think how lucky they are to feel so carefree, the parents who have the normal amount of worry. Having gone through what we’ve been through, the pain and suffering is overwhelming. I check on my boys every night before bed. I stand there and listen to them breathe in and out, even Aiden who will be 9 in October. I place my hand on his heart just to feel it beating, making sure he’s ok. I’ll even wake up in the middle of the night unplugging Sam’s night-light scared it might cause a fire.
If any of them get sick with a high fever, I don’t leave their side. Sometimes Shawn will sleep on the floor next to their bed just to make sure they’re ok in the middle of the night. I can’t think about when they are older and driving, it gives me to much anxiety. I will be that mom who has a tracker on their kids phone, car, and whatever else I can track. I will drill in their heads the danger and evil that lurks if they are not careful enough. I will make sure they know we are not invincible and there’s no room for irresponsibility. I will spread their wings and teach them how to fly but I will do it as carefully as I can. There are too many horrible stories out there today with children of all ages. It’s ok to be over protective. I’m happy my mother was that way with us. It helped mold the mother I am today and I am grateful for that.
If I learned anything the past 10 years without my brother it’s this: Hug your loved ones tighter, always say I love you, lay with them before bed if they ask you to even if you’re too tired, kiss your significant other longer, stop and treasure the little happy moments. They will be the ones you cherish the most.
Dedicated to my brother Rob, I miss you everyday.